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I hope that even at the last moment, I did not violate the original intention of loving you.

ikanlixiang @ 2020/05/20





Today is May 20th.


For lovers, they may miss the Valentine's day after February 14th because of the epidemic. For the electricity supplier, it may be riveting Another celebration for selling energy is for most ordinary people, probably one day in May.

Whether love or not, love is a special feeling we once longed for. I think love is the most irregularity of things in the world. One second can go to heaven because of love. Next second, it can fall to hell because of love.
 
Again and again, through this impenetrable dopamine, we destroy ourselves, see ourselves, and re recognize ourselves.
 
When it comes to love, we have to mention the most recent youth TV play with good reputation: "ordinary people". (Normal People) According to Irish writer Sally Rooney (Sally Rooney) Adapted from the best-selling novel of the same name.

The story of "ordinary man" is not complicated. It depicts a friendship between men and women from high school to university. They love each other, break up, leave, meet again, support each other and make each other's achievements. They become the longest attachment and the most colorful background of each other's life.
 
The passion and calmness, perseverance and abandonment between Marianne and Connell are like mirrors reflecting the bit of an outdated intimate relationship we have placed in the past.
 

Love and love, self and the other, we have been looking for balance in the variable of "love".


For intimacy, " "Getting along", "self", "relieving" and so on Chen Xue, a famous writer in Taiwan, wrote her thoughts in the book "love lesson". In this special, perhaps not special day, perhaps these thoughts can help you to outline the outline of love.

The article is edited from "love lesson".
Author Chen Xue

One
About "get along"
 
The instant of love and everything in the world is completely a feeling, a mind, a Concord. It is someone who cuts across your life, and your life is different. It is the awakening of "I used to live in the past".
 
Love is always lingering at the beginning. Lingering in the shadows and street lamps, lingering in the beds and carriages, lingering in the public and private spaces. I am afraid that the more cautious people have gone through such a short period of time when they are fascinated by "no one else in the eye". The two are like twins, and they will become conjoined babies as if they are away from each other. It seems that they will take away what is on you as the other party leaves.

but The lovers retreat from the selfless and strong glue like attachment, or want to continue to get along with each other.

"Getting along" is the love that falls in the world, and there is danger of weathering and collapse, but few lovers who really love each other are unwilling to enter the "real state of being". " "Getting along" is the first reality that lovers encounter when they are in love and crazily.

Really getting along is almost the beginning of leaving the bed smoothly every time. When you start in the restaurant, you will pay attention to the price of the meal. It starts with the little willfulness that you put the vegetables that you don't want to eat on his plate. It starts at the time when you drop from a high grade restaurant to a local snack, start with someone who wants to wash his hands for another person to make soup, and start to wash dishes after eating.
 
These trickle of infiltration stems from "want to continue together" and "want to see you all the time". Further interaction will soon enter into the discussion of "cohabitation or not".
 

People who have more failed love experiences can not avoid the idea of cohabitation, though some people will swear at a certain time after they have been dumped on the street, "never again to take shelter from others", "no one wants to have the keys of my house again," or really feel "a person's life is easy".

 

Some of the cohabitation discussions will be very long. Assuming that after various discussions, consultations or even compromise, you finally find a house that you can afford and enjoy. You may choose to buy curtains and bedspreads together, and for a while you will be more interested in building furnishings than going out to the movies. However, some people may have split up in the process of choosing new or second-hand vacations.

 

Yes, let's go back to reality and get along.
 
To tell you the truth, there is a long, endless "reality", which is more complicated than "who washes dishes". It is more difficult than "how to squeeze toothpaste", "who is going to dump garbage", which is even more serious than "he will sleep to shout". (strange) when we were in love, we went to bed without shoes.
 

Strange things like mushrooms grow after rain.

 
This is "getting along". It's not the kind of "meeting" that you can't communicate without saying anything. It's not the kind of "good, everything depends on you", "as long as you are happy, I'm happy". I agree with each other, not every time I want to pour all of my life into my home and think of the other's face shaking.
 
Getting along is a strange but indispensable way of love. It means that two people open their lives to each other and integrate themselves into other people's world.

I do not know how many people will be angry in this process and think "we have no longer love", or lament "Alas, become an old man's wife", even in frustration, thinking of "the next one will be better".
 
But the important thing to get along with is to see each other, reveal each other, see each other and see their own process at the same time. Meticulous and slow is necessary, patience is the premise, tolerance is the secret, and the freedom of the other party is the essential factor.
 
Getting along means you want to have more contact than sex. You want to know what the other party has for breakfast, and where to shop, but it also means that you must go through the simple part of eating, sleeping and sharing a bathroom together.

As you get along with time, you may see the other person's irritability and anger. You may be surprised that the other person will yell at the TV. If you watch the computer screen for hours, you may feel more negative emotions than the positive ones.
 
But you still get along, not because it has become a habit, not because of the trouble of moving, or because two people can rent a bigger house.

If you can see from these seemingly full of differences and romantic no longer everyday life, these are originally advanced trials of love, and you have truly entered the stage of showing yourself to the other side from the role play of "love period".
 
Fortunately, this period will be very long. It will make you accumulate deep feelings that can not be accumulated when you are sentimental. Of course, it may be very short for you to wake up to "we are not suitable".
 
It's a long way to get along, but in love, who wants to see the end? Even in a quarrel, if you still love, even if you only live in a rental house, if you are always considerate to make each other happy, you will hope that this road will never end.
 

Repeat the scenery one thousand times, because everyday, because of repeated walk, because really experienced, and become your favorite scene.

In the ordinary scenery, perhaps just in a moment of opening, she is busy in the house. When the cat walks up to you, you sit on the sofa because of your work and work, because these extraordinary scenes make you excited to cry.
 
Because there are people in this world who are with you and are based on love.
 
Two
About "accompany"
 
You asked me, "why do we need love"? "If we have no obligation to accompany in love, why should we make friends with men and women"?
 
I often ask myself why we need love. But these questions, I get is not "functional" answer, we are not "need" love, so love, is because "fall in love", so in love.
 
"Love" is not an object to satisfy "one" or "several" needs. Love is a state, love is a "relationship", and communication is just one of the possibilities of many kinds of love.
 
If love is based on the premise of love, it is not a transaction, not a contract, nor a transaction, so it must be an interaction under the free will. On the premise of loving each other, the two people voluntarily, in a long or short time, are willing to implement the love in the reality in the way of "lovers" and carry out deep interaction at all levels.
 
Of course, it includes "getting along", especially in life. Eat and drink, work, entertain, talk, sleep, and participate in the details of life together.

These things are all let us through close contact, let "love" this abstract feeling can have the concrete behavior to express, also lets the love intention, from the initial romantic feeling advancement, to each other more thorough understanding.
 

The relationship between love is through the agreement of one another. (or other forms) Volunteer to interact with each other more attentively during this period, because people's time is limited.
 
Although people's free will will make us more interested or yearning for more people, but if we want to further understand each other, if we hope to explore the hearts of others through love form, penetrate into other people's world and interact with them, we will need to be limited to a few people.
 
The two people feel love from each other and decide to associate with each other on the basis of free will, so even after entering the relationship, they can stop because of this free will.

Even if you don't stop, you can say no to things that you don't want to do. So in my opinion, love is not a binding act, but a "contractual interaction" of free will. One side loses its will and automatically fails.
 
Even when two people are willing, each person's time, mental strength and situation are different, so companionship is not obligation, because when we ask the other person to "do their duty", the other's free will will be hampered, which is harmful to love.
 
But lovers need to get along and turn "company" into "getting along", allowing people to freely choose and choose to get along because they want to have deeper relationships and interact with each other more comprehensively.


When a lover decides to be in love, he must first regard "getting along" as an important matter. If he does not want to get along with others, he can not choose the mode of love, and the feeling of love can be placed in his heart.
 
Two people are willing to get along with each other. The next thing to measure is how to handle time and how to get along with each other.
 
Sometimes, the desire to get along simply becomes a complaining and negative mood complaint: "why don't you accompany me?" "If you love me, you should accompany me." "If you don't accompany, why do you want to associate with each other?"
 
When you need to be accompanied, when this need becomes intense and anxious, you may need to think about it in turn, what do you really need?
 
This need is not something anyone should be satisfied with. When this need can not be satisfied, how should it be?

When you feel that you need to be accompanied, you may want to be "interactive". You may feel lonely because you lack more interactive ways, but because you do not know how to express or how to create, you can only express yourself by "why not accompany me". It looks like accusation and resentment, and the other side will resist, reject and retreat.
 
We are used to certain things and take them as inevitable. Romance means eating together, watching movies, taking a walk, even sleeping together and going out together.

Some people regard these behaviors as "normal" during their pursuit or in love, but ignore other interactions that should be deepened and further progressed.
 
For example, whether the two people gradually understand each other, whether they are more supportive of each other's situation, whether they can create one person together or not, such as expanding their horizons, because they know another person and enrich their lives.
 
We often feel the destructive power before we can get the benefit of love. For example, a person who lives alone is still independent, and another person can rely on his own heart to run out. For example, he is still happy and self satisfied, but he is in love.
 

To enter into love is to discover deeper selves through deep interaction with others. Love is an excellent way to make us willing or want to further improve ourselves and face ourselves through this discovery.
 
When you need to be "company", keep company with yourself and let yourself get rid of the anxiety. That requires a more tranquil way of thinking "how to get along with each other".

The so-called "getting along" is mutual, of course, is to do things that one likes or likes each other, instead of asking the other to dump garbage for you, cook for you, and accompany you to shop.
 
Change those feelings that are empty, lonely and boring, and turn those who wish your lover to accompany you to create more beneficial things for relationships and love, to care for each other more, to measure the reasons why the other person can not get along with you, try to develop each other, and find things that can make you happy or satisfied.

I think, when asked to accompany, become "get along with each other", when "always be accused of not doing well enough", become "we try to see how to do it", and company is no longer a hard job, "getting along" is more likely to happen.
 
Three
About "relieving"
 
You ask me how I feel hurt when I am hurt.
 
I think you can say that you are hurt, feel angry, sad, miserable, and feel that your good life has been wasted for no reason, which I can understand.
 
However, the cause and effect of events is not only an explanation under your anger and sadness. When you persist in injury, the wound will deepen and expand, or even cut off the part that you did not break. When you persist in guessing The injury that may be hurt again is just a kind of self speculation.

Why do you ask me why you are? Why can the other person treat you like this? I want to say that we can not control others' actions. At least, we can choose to leave and get out of each other's lives.
 

Relieving, first of all, you have to let go.
 
Emotional changes, especially when the other side is changing, we always feel innocent and deeply hurt. It may be the disillusionment of trust, the loss of joy, the deprivation of belonging, but seriously, those who do not belong to us are all attached feelings when they are in love.
 
When you are in love, you can only be true in the present. When a party can not fulfill your promise, you cannot fulfill the oath. When the other side makes something you think hurts you, these are almost the inevitable risks of love, but are they therefore regarded as "unharmed by life"?
 
I think we often exaggerate the pain of "betrayal". We only need to take the joy of ourselves completely to demand others' commitment, so that we can get the problem of "being misled for a lifetime" and "nothing at all".

Man is an independent individual. Even if he is still in love, even if two people have taken an oath, or even become a legal spouse or partner, life is still responsible for each other.
 
"Love" is just a wonderful gift from others. We should cherish, lose and blame, and commit ourselves. Man is not in love because of his promise, nor can he ask others to love you.
 
Love is the union of two people under the free will. No guarantee can be given to a person, so when an agreement is broken, when the oath is unfulfilled, when someone is telling a lie or a change of heart no matter what the reason is, what we can do is not to seize the traitor, not to investigate, not to accuse, or to accuse, but at the very least, to have a more understanding of the other side, and to have a different understanding of the reality, for the future, for the relationship between the two people. With new decisions.
 
As far as possible, we should clarify the source of our injury and clarify why we are so sad. Apart from accusing others of grievance, apart from dreams shattered, broken hearts, and other directions, we can reduce injuries.
 
What really makes us suffer is not from love to hatred, but to recognize that the source of our pain may come from an unacceptable "change", from which the original dependence is suddenly dissolved, and the safety happiness that we thought we got was deprived.
 
However, just as life is changeable, love is also changeable. All these feelings of joy and sorrow are possible. When we first went courageously to love, we could have suffered the pain of losing. Happiness is what you experience, and pain must be bravely borne by yourself.
 
How can I forget it? I think, first of all, accept it.

Acceptance of reality often fails to accept all possible setbacks and failures in life as people wish, and to accept love is not a rewarding effort, acceptance of people is not perfect, and acceptance of their "dependence", "weakness", "darkness" and "fragility", and a strong way to get it.

Pain is self, and only oneself can dispel it. Accept the fact that it has happened, no longer expect "nothing happens", nor force others to change.
 
Your life will not only be here, and will not live forever in the pain of the moment. These experiences that you regard as miserable at present, may be your important experiences tomorrow. Others' actions can not be decided by us. We can only choose our own choices.

The beginning of love does not mean that it is inevitable to enter "relationship". Some love is a one-off. It happens in a flash of light, and its value has been established.

Some love goes through a day and a year, but it can not stand the bottleneck of stagnation. Some love has finally passed the storm.
 
The key is how to judge, how to confirm, how to stop and how to leave.
 
"I hope we can understand ourselves better through long or short meetings."
 
"I hope that even at the last moment, I did not violate the original intention of loving you."


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Related books
Chen Xue's second love classes
"We are all riddled lovers" have been published.
click Read the original text Understanding details


Map: "Normal People"

Editor: Lin Lan

Producer: cat God



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????????? click Read the original text Understanding details

Chinese:“但愿即使到最后一刻,我都没有违背爱你的初衷”